i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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