I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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