I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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