My sheets look like a crime scene.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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