I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
