This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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