Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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