My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
