She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
