false alarm. still invincible.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
