woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
