Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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