there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
