I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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