WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
