I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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