So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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