if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
