Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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