worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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