My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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