Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize