i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
