I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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