There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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