I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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