I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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