all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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