life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
this is an emotional support booty call
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
