Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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