Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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