One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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