Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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