i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
