theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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