sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
