Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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