how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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