Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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