I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
