I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
