Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
