Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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