How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
