life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
