I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
