A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize