need another drink. this is the easiest way
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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