i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
