i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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