Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
