help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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