He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
