I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize