Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
