is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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