im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
