Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
