Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
