If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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