i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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