Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
