I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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